What’s going to work? Team work! You know it. The only thing that, evidently you still have to be told, is to actually grab the damn box and not just prop it up with your palms. I can’t believe you are that stupid!
The Public Tool
A celebration of the invisible all around us
… to boss you around and tell you where he wants to go and shit. This is ridiculous. He is a toddler, what the hell does he know? He’s not the boss of you! You need to get control of the situation right quick and let that little shit know that he needs to shut the hell up and sit his ass down in the cart right now!
No bossy babies!
…for the love of God, do not let him become some John Travolta wannabe, with a novelty belt holding up his packed diaper, sprawled all over the bike rack, half drunk and trying to pick up on some toddler chick! This is obviously pretty bad, so, in conclusion, buckle up your child when shopping at Target.
(By the way, this is obviously way too long to fit on the sign, but this is one of the many things that could happen!)
Wayward toddlers
Let’s all just face it. Every now and then, while up on a ladder, the urge to pray overcomes us. So, what you do is go ahead, join up your hands and pray away. The problem, however, looks like it just won’t go away. I am talking about being shot in the back with a weird looking arrow. You will NOT pray this one away.
Praying while on the ladder
If you must cross to the building across the street and are too fat and lazy to get down the stairs and do it properly, you find a ladder, span the distance and carefully make your way across. That’s it. To practice, just lay the ladder on the ground and walk on it a few times.
Proper ladder usage
Who’s Terry? Why would I want to access any side of him/her? What’s in it for me? And how will I know I will not fall into the loose grating when I try to walk across it? Is this Terry walking? I need answers…
Terry?
Don’t even think about busting out your cardboard fridge packing box and breakdancing here. We do not like this kind of activity and will enforce all city ordnances.
You’ve been warned! Now get out.
How about breakdancing?
Looks like hanging out in the sun on an air mattress it’s less of a problem if you are black, but still, skin cancer is nothing to joke about. Get your SPF on.
And if you are a black man on a bean bag?
I am not sure why lounging on a triangular bean bag is seen as a bad thing. Looks good to me. Unless, of course you are warned against doing it in the sun and getting a nasty 3rd degree sunburn. Best pack your sunscreen lotion.
Fun with bean bags
Head stands on an air mattress. Obviously not advisable. Your neck will suffer the consequences.
Air mattress dangers
I believe strongly that should the Rapture occur, you will be left behind if you stand on wavy ground. It is evidence of your shifting morality and it provides cause for dismissal from heaven. You might want to get off the air mattress if you see anyone levitating. Just a thought.
The Rapture! The Rapture!
An interesting twist on the “walk away from fire” advice. At first it would seem like it’s advising you to actually walk towards the fire, but then you have to check the body language of the man. It seems he is very careful about what’s going on, which would suggest to me, he’s either the fireman going about his business of putting out the fire, or the arsonist returning to the scene of the crime because he forgot his bic lighter.
You are going the wrong way!
You are hereby warned to not embed chisels in the bridge of your nose, between your eyes. This will cause your eyes to turn + like which will make you able to perform additions on sight! Or maybe you should refrain from defacing Mussolini’s statues? I am not sure.
Deface a Mussolini profile
Calmly witness the disposal of hotdog buns from the bus. I really have no explanation for what this is. The baffling fact is that there is an implied exchange of hotdog buns. Some will be loaded on while others will be off-loaded. Not your problem. You are across the street.
Watch out for hotdog buns!
As a soccer goalie, you really need to learn to defend your mid-riff. Your gut / solar plexus taking a 50mph soccer ball shot will definitely put you on the bench for a while. So, lay-off waving to attractive girls in the stand during the game and keep your eye on the ball.